When you’re first dating, you and your wife or soon to be husband, like to romanticize the idea of having children. “Ah, I can see you looking so well pushing your Gucci designer baby carriage through the shopping Mall. Everyone comes over and compliments you on staying skinny after twins, and there’s laughter everywhere. I can see us both just sitting around the Christmas tree like they do in the movies all being so gay and merry.”
No! Parents with experience understand that such fantasies are a delusion from the bowels of hell to trick us into falling into the gnashing teeth of parenting. The truth is, cobwebs gather over every piece of designer clothing you’ve ever bought as you now opt for the parenting prison uniform. The uniform consists of sweat pants and an old T-shirt from your high school days. Forget having a nice car or furniture because everything must come second hand. They will destroy it all in the 13 years it takes for them to finally calm down.
I don’t know what advice to give to the girls but guys I’ve some for you. Tie your testicles in a knot and become a celibate monk. Believe me…the orgasm isn’t worth it.
Ok…now that I’ve scared all the newlyweds half to death, here are my tips for surviving children.
- Put headphones on, turn up the music, hide in the bathroom and let your wife deal with it for 10 minutes. Upon opening the door 10 minutes later, you will see water all over the floor. On the wall, there will be written those famous words in permanent marker “DIE DADDY DIE”. Blue lights will be flashing through the window as the fire brigade put out the last dying embers on your car, but you know what? The ten minutes of escape was all so WORTH IT.
- They don’t want to go to bed. Jumping up and down making junkies on Meth look like Dr.Phil, they adamantly refuse to brush their teeth or even hear you. If telling them a Tsunami is approaching and it’s time to get stuff done doesn’t work, take a sledgehammer to the Xbox. Whenever kids don’t do what I want them to do, I take the thing they’re currently obsessing about the most, and hold it ransom. Those little yellow teeth turn pearly white in no time believe me.
- Eating vegetables is like showing them the dark side of the moon (no not the album that’s cool) and there’s an immediate dive for the nearest cupboard. They manage to find the highest shelf where you helplessly shout, but to no avail, they’re not coming down.
Then, suddenly, you think of a fantastic story to tell. “I know a kid who by not eating his vegetables went blind”. Kids these days are smart, though. I keep forgetting it’s not the 90′ anymore.
They demand we GOOGLE IT because their lack of trust in you has plummeted to a freezing zero. Imagine my luck when we do actually google it, and an original story comes up? 5 minutes later they’re munching on broccoli as if it were the tree of life.
- They absolutely refuse to put seatbelts on in the car, having no idea of the consequences. You so desperately wish they knew what an actual car crash looked like. However, crash dummies 101 on YouTube may seem like one option or…You could try something else. Passing through town, you spot a man in a wheelchair with a motorized voice. You say “look, kids, that’s what happens when you don’t wear a seatbelt.” they don’t believe you. Go up and offer him 20 bucks to tell a rubbish story, and they will never ride that car again without a seatbelt.
- The Christmas list. Oh no…It’s the Christmas list.
“Dear Santa, I want an iPhone, iPad, PlayStation 1,2,3 and 4. I would like to have my own 60-inch television, HD, 4k and all the works. I’d really love a pet pony…no…wait…make that a crocodile. I promise to cuddle him, and he can sleep in my room…”
There are two ways you can deal with this. You can break their hearts and save yourself 11 years of hard-earned cash by telling them there is no Santa. Or…you can just tell them Santa doesn’t make those in the North Pole. Pull out a list of what he does make, which is toys from your nearest second-hand shop at a knockdown price.
Please, there’s no need to thank me, I’m just doing what any other compassionate upstanding citizen would do. After writing this I may have to go into hiding for fear of my life. They will surely kill me if they ever find out. If you have not heard from me in a week, please know as punishment I’ve been most likely dragged off to Disneyland.