Why You Should Stop Wanting To Be Appreciated

Image by Ivonne Nöhren from Pixabay

Teaching you how to be appreciated is an obsession of many authors whose books instruct you on the secrets of how to emotionally manipulate others. The idea is to teach you how to get your boss, friend or family member to appreciate you more using various tried and tested techniques.

Like smokers who cannot last longer than an hour without a cigarette, humans are incapable of going through their day without feeling like they’re appreciated. For this reason, they seek the soothing experience of another making them feel included and loved. It continues to be a multi million dollar industry because humans crave the love and attention of another, even if unbeknown to them, such affection is far from sincere.

Take for example Principle John who calls in his secretary Mary to talk about the running of the school. She explains to the pupils in the classroom what a great man John is and that without him, the whole school would be lost. John is feeling amazing and glowing from ear to ear with a great smile. He feels appreciated. Mary walks out of the classroom only to turn to her friend and laugh. She relates to her friend what she is really thinking which is to say John is a great big ass who is rubbish at running the school. But if you go back into the classroom John is still smiling and feeling appreciated.

Sometimes we are under the illusion we are appreciated when nothing could be further from the truth. But what does truth matter at this point? John is getting a hit of the appreciation drug and that’s all that counts right now. It’s like the alcoholic who knows the drink is not really his friend but it gives him a good buzz to have it around. There are times when truth can take a hike and pleasure take over, so much for our desire for the truth, eh?

We need to explore why the world behaves collectively when it comes to the desire for appreciation of others. Everybody does it and the reason for this is because humans tend to mirror humans behaviour right down to non-verbal body language. Even when that behaviour contradicts the natural order of the world, if there are enough people in agreement about something, you can bet your bottom dollar that a high percentage of the world will follow.

The mission of most religions on the planet is to rebel against such a cycle and break the status quo. This is why, for example, my own Catholic faith has always been getting either crucified upside down or its head chopped off over the centuries. When it comes to popular notions like “contraception is good for society” and the Church says, “No” it’s immediately viewed as backward, excluded and unappreciated. If it wants to remain appreciated by the world it must follow the collective will of the majority.

We are taught mostly that being appreciated brings with it many benefits. In the world of business, having to be appreciated by the boss is seen as a necessity. Without the approval from head honcho, chances are you will never rise through the ranks and remain an errand boy and that’s not very nice is it? Additionally we are told to believe that having the appreciation and approval of others gives us a greater sense of worth and self-esteem. It is needed if we are to feel self confident and less anxious. However, from observing people who need to feel appreciated by others, I’ve noticed they’re anything but confident and always anxious.

The reason for this is because when we are constantly looking for appreciation, we are anxious lest we get it. If we don’t get the drug of appreciation and follow the status quo we become nervous. Our minds our flooded with ideas of being felt excluded and unwanted by society. Add to this the pressure of having your head chopped off in the modern guillotine of disapproval, and you’ve got a recipe for depression. Therefore, we are ever anxious and ready to jump on whatever popular philosophical bandwagon that happens to be doing the rounds of the culture.

Confident people on the other hand are unmoved by peoples approval whether it be positive or negative. They’re happy when they’re loved, and happy when they’re not being loved. When someone practices this kind of behaviour and begins to reset the conditioned brain to steer in the opposite direction, sincere confidence and lack of anxiety kicks in. How do we apply such things to business where we (think we need) need the bosses approval to go higher up the ranks?

The answer is really simple, you can continue to please your boss but you’re not doing it because it benefits you financially nor emotionally. You’re not going to allow life’s sudden ups ad downs to affect your mood. You have taken the desire to “feel good” out of the park and are no longer emotionally at the mercy of your boss. Even if your desire to please him does not benefit you financially, you’re still not at the mercy of being poor and without. You see, you can still be ambitious and happy because the outcome never alters your happy state. Wonderful isn’t it?

That is the sign of a confident and happy person, not someone who runs around taking pics of themselves on Instagram hunting for others to appreciate them. When they don’t get their “likes” they feel down and go looking for the nearest noose to hang themselves with because the pressure of being un-liked has reached its peak. Poor them, it’s truly sad. They were conditioned and brought up inside a world that taught them they needed to be appreciated. To be without this type of approval was to live without oxygen and one might as well look for the quickest exit off the planet.

When you look at a person like this, it wasn’t them who killed themselves, it was their conditioning and programming that did it. You know, my Catholic faith teaches that if you kill yourself you’re going to hell, but it comes with small print. You only condemn yourself to hell if you had full knowledge that what you were doing was a mortal sin, your conscience being full informed. Those who are mentally unwell are given a break and told they’re highly unlikely to go to hell.

I am of the belief that 99% of people who commit suicide do not have a fully formed conscience on the matter. They’re mentally unwell because the reasons for killing themselves are the result of a false programming and conditioning of society. If someone had have given them the key to what really makes a person truly independent and happy, I’m confident we could avoid almost all the worlds suicidal problems.

Take for example Jeffrey Epstein. Assuming he did actually kill himself (there’s debate around that) it was no doubt by an inability to face the disapproval of the world and the torture of prison. Even someone with so much money and education cannot avoid this programming and conditioning by the world that’s how embedded within us it has become. Had Jeffrey simply distanced himself from what others thought and the torture he’d receive in prison not allowing any of it to affect him, he’d probably still be alive today.

While Jeffrey’s reasons for suicide seemed monumental, another celebrity presenter Caroline Flack did it because she being prosecuted for hitting her boyfriend. It was such a minor offence, but the pressure from being derided on twitter and gossip magazines was simply too much to handle. This is how serious the effects of being taught to conform to society or get lost can have upon every individual brought up into such mind numbing chaos.

I invite you today to forget about being appreciated. Break free from the ball and chain the world has tied you to and learn to be happy in every circumstance. This is why Christianity is so hard, because in order to gain happiness in Christianity we have to sacrifice the toys we like to play with. These toys include friends, family members and even children. We have to sacrifice the drug of appreciation, our ego and the good opinion of others. It’s much easier to live in the illusion you’re happy chasing the appreciation of others than to give it up altogether. It requires a mind and heart ready for the truth.

For this reason Catholicism remains one of the toughest religions in the world because it never conforms to the majority. You should apply the same rules in your life. Don’t allow others tell you that you need to be appreciated in order to be a success in this world. A success is simply someone who is happy in every circumstance they find themselves in. Is it possible to be happy while in a jumpsuit and facing the rusty blade of an Islamic fundamentalist? YES. . . It really is. It’s time to throw away your toys and become a responsible adult, taking control of your emotions and standing on your own two feet. Be content with everything and prepared to be happy with absolutely nothing.

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