The Holy Saint Who Who Said ”Fuck” All The Time.

Image by Joshua Miranda from Pixabay

Liam grew up in the roughest part of town. Being born into such unfavorable circumstances was not his fault at all. Despite all this he absorbed the culture around him. By age 11 he was watching porn, smoking drugs and listening to Hip Hop music with the most vile language one could imagine coming from the speakers. At the age of 21 he converted to Christianity. He managed to kick the porn, drugs and threw in the thrash every piece of music that offended the Lord.

Having done all this Liam could not kick the word “fuck”. Every sentence he ended had the word “fuck” in it. He viewed it as an awful plague to his own soul. He was aware of the fact that many disliked him for it. Even the irreligious people he served in the homeless shelter where he volunteered were disgusted. Sometimes he’d say it in front of the kids as well much to the chagrin of the parents.

The local Bishop getting wind of it tried to persuade the person in charge to give Liam a lesser role in front of the public. “Give him a store room job away from people, that may solve the problem?” But the person in charge didn’t have the heart to do it, as meeting and conversing with people was in Liam’s blood.

Every night Liam would prepare some curries for the homeless out of his own money he got from working at the local restaurant. Under the cover of darkness and without anyone knowing, he would walk around the city giving out his homemade spicy dish to warm the hearts of everyone. He was only on minimum wage so it was a big deal, but not to Liam.

When the local drug addict knocked on his door looking for a few quid because he’d wasted his welfare and drugs, Liam would give it to him. There were nights when he’d invite the drug addict in and even have a beer with him. Some tears would be shed when, after a few glasses of Vodka, the junkie would open up about the reality of his addiction. Liam comforted him with his own stories of triumph over addiction. When leaving, Liam handed him a little card with a prayer to St.Joseph on it and said he’ll pray for him.

The neighbours across the road looked upon their friendship with disdain. They couldn’t believe that this young person would be serving in the local community soup kitchen while at the same time being friends with Junkies. All sorts of rumor’s spread throughout the local estate he’d lived on and there were mixed feelings about him. “He says fuck all the time, he’s an awful mouth on him” said one neighbour. “Yeah, and he hangs around junkies. Saw him walking home with a few beers the other night having a laugh with you know who.”

The Bishop was a nice man. He was extremely well educated. Growing up in a wealthy family in the countryside afforded him the ability to do well in school and university. He was of exceptional character. Not a lie passed his lips and the entire community looked up to him and and loved him. He had a chat show on television where over 100,000 people would tune in to see him. There were many laity close to the Bishop who themselves were great writers and columnists. They debated atheists and pro choice people live on T.V in defense of the faith. They were really good at too, even Liam would tune in every now and again and watch with interest.

When they passed Liam by at local Catholic retreats or other Catholic conventions, they took pity on him. They liked him but at the same time couldn’t help but scoff at him every now and again having mixed feelings of his rough background and bad language. More and more people at the local soup kitchen complained about Liam to the point where the Bishop was forced to address it. He had mercy on Liam and called him in for a chat. The Bishop thought “I might be able to fix his behaviour, it’s the Christian thing to do.” Liam strolls in, “Your Grace, you called me in for a fuckin chat. What the fuck did I do now? I hope I’m not in any big fuckin trouble.”

The Bishop, taken back by the rough language began to understand why this behaviour was such a problem. Liam please, sit down there’s a bottle of water there you’re welcome to that you look thirsty. Would you like a drink?” Liam’s eyes widened a bit, “I’d fuckin love one your Grace. Walking them old antique stairs really fuckin took it out of me.”

At that moment the Bishops assistant whispered in the Bishops ear. Liam was just about to open the bottled water when the Bishop said, “Liam sorry, I didn’t realize this but the water is for the Cardinal who is scheduled to meet me here in an hours time. Not that big of a deal right?” Liam seemed happy enough so he set down the bottled water, shrugged saying, “I’m O.K with that. Sure fuck it, I’ll wait until I get home.”

The Bishop continued, “Liam, you’re a lovely lad. I hear you’re so nice you’d give someone the shirt off your back if you could. You’re always getting involved in parish activities and there are people who like you at the soup kitchen but. . . ” “But I’m not liked by the majority” sighed Liam. “I’m aware of this but your Grace I’m not sure what the fuck to do. I plead with the Lord every night to deliver me from it, but for fucks sake it’s hard.”

The Bishop had no choice so he told Liam he’s going to have to let him go of his duties in the soup kitchen. “There are other things you could do that will glorify the Lord, you don’t always have to meet with the general public to do that.” Realizing he was fighting a losing battle, Liam decided to accept what the Bishop ordered because he loved the Lord so much and knew holy obedience pleased him. Liam said, “fuck it, you’re right. I’ll have to find some other thing to fuckin do I suppose.”.

The Bishop looked at Liam with great affection and threw his arm around him. “Come on, I’ll give you a lift home my driver is just outside.” They both step out the door and it was a lovely sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. “Ah, here comes the Mercedes now. It’s brand new only got it last week.” As they drove in the back seat of the car the sun was splitting the trees and the birds were singing. Liam turned to the Bishop and said, “Gods natures fuckin lovely isn’t it?” The Bishop deciding to ignore the profanity smiled in agreement but saying nothing.

Then all of a sudden a big bus jumped out in front of them. The driver did not react quick enough to avoid the crash. Right before the impact the last words that could be heard was Liam screaming at the top of his lungs, “WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!

A moment later the Bishop awoke to find himself surrounded by darkness. His voiced echoed in the blackness, “Where am I?” “Your in Hell” a demon could be heard whispering. Suddenly the ceiling of the darkness opened up and the Lord was visible to the Bishop. There was lutes, flutes, harps and a great party being had. Beside Jesus stood Liam and the Bishop overheard their conversation. Jesus could be heard saying, “Well done my good and faithful servant come on in, for I was thirsty and you gave me to drink, hungry and you fed me, naked and you clothed me, in prison and you visited me.” Liam was really confused and said, “But when did I see you thirsty and gave you to drink or hungry and fed you, naked and clothed you or even in prison and visit you?”

Throughout his life, Liam held such a poor opinion of himself. Because of his lack of spiritual education, he didn’t realize that when he fed people at the soup kitchen it was Jesus he did all these things to. When he gave all his designer clothes to the local charity shop he’d no idea that he was clothing Jesus. The night he invited the junkie in for some vodka, a dance and sing song or the time he visited his old friends in prison and tried to convince them all to change their ways, he’d no idea that he was in fact entertaining and visiting the Lord. He was doing good for most of his life and was completely ignorant of it.

Meanwhile the Bishop interrupted lamenting, “But Lord, I performed many exorcisms in your name. I had a YouTube Channel and was converting many atheists and pro abortionists in your name. I may not have established the soup kitchen but I was in charge of it and made sure everyone was looked after financially. I prayed really hard every day and attended all the Popes councils. I took great care not to let a lie pass my lips and never to curse.” He pleaded “Please!”

The Lord said, “It is not those who say to me ‘Lord Lord’ that will get into the Kingdom of Heaven, but those who do my will.” “It is not only those who build a soup kitchen but roll up their sleeves and work in it that will gain heaven.” The Lord continued, “Away with you into the eternal flames where you belong, for I was thirsty and you never gave me to drink, hungry and you didn’t feed me, naked and you never clothed me, in prison and you never visited me.” “But when did I see you and not do all these things?” The Bishop was completely ignorant of the fact he’d displeased the Lord and had been on the wrong path his entire life. He thought he was doing really great all these years but evidently not.

Then St.Liam turned to the Lord with many tears of sorrow asking the Lord to have pity on the Bishop. He asked the Lord to look at any good he did and to pardon him all his sins. The Lord heard Liams cry of help for the Bishop and through the intercession of St.Liam, the Bishop was brought out of the darkness and into the light. As they strolled through the halls of the great Jerusalem in the sky, the Bishop gave thanks to St.Liam. “Don’t thank me, thank the Lord, for he is the one who delivered you.” “I notice you’re not cursing anymore Liam.” “Yeah, looks like I’ve finally resurrected and don’t have to carry that Cross anymore, great isn’t it?”

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