Ever since the invitation to consider the diaconate by my local priest I knew what was coming I just didn’t know how it would come. Yes, I’m talking about demonic attacks. In fact the devil already knew before me what the priests had planned for me and attacked me before the invitation even took place as he witness the conversation between the two priests in my absence.
A few nights prior to the invitation a deep depression came over me. I began to feel angry at the Church and at God. A longing to erase God from my life and go back to the old self overwhelmed me. It has happened in be past but this was more intense. It was so intense that I got my hammer and ripped all my icons off the wall and gave them away.
I took my very expensive statue of Our Lady of Fatima and gave it to my father to keep. When asked why I was doing this, I was just angry. It was an overreaction to something my wife said that was unusual for me but the reason was much deeper. I just wanted to be rid of the whole Church and begin fresh again. But Jesus is like a boomerang. Once you throw him away he comes back at some point. It may he a few hours after you’ve calmed down or If you’re stubborn enough it may take years but he’ll be back.
Then that Sunday when the priest hit me with the suggestion to become a deacon, it took some time but the penny dropped. Yes, the Devil in his craftiness lured me into a dry and depressed state in the hopes I would say no.
Since that invitation I’ve been getting serious migraines and stomach cramps. I’ve been depressed and coming up with every excuse not to bother going forward with it. Everyone in the last week while camping have had horrible nightmares about me being a deacon with people coming to them in the dream, people we know that dislike us giving every argument they can to say I’m not fit for the diaconate.
While resting in my hammock in the thick black woods I awoke from a very demonic dream. The feeling of being surrounded by demons was so intense but being used to his craftiness I kept my composure and did not panic. As I lay in the stillness of the night swaying from side to side in the breeze I began to pray the Jesus prayer. This calmed me along with the rhythm and soft sound the trees made above.
I’m becoming overwhelmed by the attacks and beginning to think if I walk away from the calling I can get back to some form of normality. The Devil doesn’t want me near the Church. I know this because every single time it has approached me or I approach it something really rotten happens. Either he attacks me directly, my kids or the priests and theologians I’m interacting with.
But here’s the thing, I don’t really want to be in the Church myself. I’m not a fan of the culture of priests who walk around in socks and sandals and who only got in because they come from a well to do background. Would I suit that sort of preppy intellectually minded upper class environment? I’m not so sure. Yet, God has called me and if I don’t answer it that could spell even bigger disaster either in this life or the next or both.
I need your prayers to help me discern because the heat from the devils pitch fork is getting a bit too much for me. I’m happy to carry on my life the way it is now, but is that the right path? I’m exhausted by it all so please, pray for all of us.