Accepting Gods Call

In recent days I’ve been thinking about the diaconate and continue to make excuses as to why I should avoid it. Before the Lord I accused myself of all my sins and bad habits as a reason not to be admitted. “What about that time I got angry and Mr.X. See? I’m hot tempered, surely? St.Paul says a hot tempered man shouldn’t be admitted to the diaconate or as a Bishop.” Or what about the bit concerning the ability to look after ones family? St.Paul says a man who can’t support his own family can hardly be expected to manage the house of God.

“See?” I said to the Lord, “I have a dodgy work history and my stability in work over the years has been very shaky. Going from one company to the next never really settling in the one place. No, This can’t be for me. I’m not worthy of this dignity of the priesthood.” I tossed and turned all night thinking about the words of Paul which deeply troubled me. “No, I’ll reject this I’m not being called. This is a vocation for the middle class person from a well-to-do background strong in college education and solid working history”

Then I had a dream. In my dream where all Benedictine monks some elderly and some young. They were dressed in their traditional black garments trying to convince me to stay on course for the diaconate. An old monk sat before me on a simple wooden chair and said that St.Paul is speaking of the ideal, not easy to live up to but there are exceptions to the rule and nothing is every so black and white. If a man is right for the job, he is right for the job regardless. In the end the Lord and His Church decides.

I then woke up and understood that none of us are perfect. While the ideal is something to strive for, the monk was right, the Lord and the Church decides and nothing is always so black and white. Although it has eased my mind, I still cannot help but accuse myself day and night of why I should not be admitted to such a dignity. Me, the most undignified, unholy, disgusting, vile creature admitted to the diaconate? No it can’t be.

Tonight my father said, “You don’t know if you’re being called, all you need to do is go with the flow of life and see what happens. If it’s meant to be it will happen and if not it will happen later in life. Either way if God wants this for you then it will take place.”

He’s right, I need to stop worrying about what is out of my ability to control and simply take each day as it comes. Your prayers please.

Source: public domain

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