I’m having a hard time. I feel as if I’ve been run over by a Lorry. Today had been the worst of my mental anguish. I had sweaty palms and shaking all over. I like to call it the spiritual Influenza.
“It will pass” I tell myself. “It only has to run its course and you’ll be fine”.
I have honestly never felt as much mental pain as I have as a Christian. The mental pain in my pre-Christian life that drove me to attempt or desire suicide did not come close to the pain I feel now.
Yet, I comfort myself with the thought that God is being glorified and it is hopefully not in vain.
I have a special booklet which contains only the letters of Saint Paul. I open them at random. I come across Paul talking about how many times he had been beaten with sticks, whipped and stoned. He spoke about the time he had fallen into the hands of brigands, traversed dangerous lands and rivers not to forget being stranded at sea for a night and a day
I could hear him say, “Stephen, your first world problems are nothing but mere trifles compared to what I got up to. Stop acting like an overgrown baby and trust in Jesus.”
You see, like a diseased dog covered in scabs I am riddled with so many spiritual problems. I am not fit for the Catholic Church or Orthodox Church. I’m not fit for any Church. My confusion as to where I want to go in my life is the worst mental pain I’ve ever had to endure. I’ve endured it years but it has reached unprecedented heights in recent weeks.
I asked the Blessed Theotokos what I should choose. I heard her speak to my heart, “Choose my Son…Choose the Lord.” I replied, “Sorry Mother Mary, that sounds really comforting but not really an answer to my dilemma.”
All week I feel as if God is giving me enough light to find him and yet as much darkness to keep me searching. O Lord be merciful to me the sinner. Who am I that I should be given any light at all? Why do I look upon your Divine darkness as a punishment as opposed to a gift? It’s my proclivity to sin that leads me down such an erroneous path.
Lord have mercy.