When Death Comes Knockin

Over the last month, I’ve been going through a lot and so decided it was time to clear out the shed. A few weeks ago I began this process which I’ve been putting off for quite some time. However, the junk got too much for me to take and so a tidy shed equals a tidy mind, right?

In the process of eliminating the trash, I came across my old bike I bought many years ago when I was a young man in my very early 20s. I decided to tune it up and replace some old parts on it.

Then I got the idea that considering the rising cost of fuel and with inflation on the rise, it would be a good idea to cut the costs of using the car. I sat down and did some math on what it would cost me with my model car and size engine to make those 10-15 minute trips into town and back. about 20 euros a week. It’s not a lot until you multiply it for the year and it amounts to hundreds of euros.

Yeah, it’s harder work, especially in Irish weather where even the summer looks like winter, but it brings back great memories for me. I think the exercise along with the cut in fuel costs outweigh the difficulty of facing the Irish wind and rain.

I timed getting into town on my car versus the bike and it’s really only an additional 8 minutes. I may not be an advocate of climate change but I only go green if it saves me money. I agree with the climate change crowd in that regard and I’ll advocate any climate change novelty if it saves me money.

Other than that the whole climate change theory is a load of rubbish. Don’t get me wrong I’m an environmentalist and I do believe that how we treat the environment can have disastrous effects on the planet we live on, but I don’t believe in the concept that the climate is changing as a result of our carbon footprint. Anyway, that’s a blog post for another time.

Today I ventured out into town again. While using the bicycle lane I casually come past a junction when a car was fast approaching. It didn’t stop and the lady slammed on the breaks. I could feel the bonnet of her car brush my jeans that’s how close she came to knocking me over.

She was watching the road to the right but did not see me directly in front. The strange thing is that other than my minimal and habitual human reaction of “oops”, it was not accompanied by any emotion. I didn’t feel scared and was incredibly cool about it.

I simply waved to her and smiled not rebuking her at all. The reason I didn’t is that what’s the point? The mistake has been made. Why should I beat myself over the head, and raise my heart rate and blood pressure by getting upset over someone else behaviour?

That’s not to say I don’t get upset but in this instance, there was no reaction of anger one would normally give when faced with such a potentially tragic incident. I don’t know if it’s because I’m suffering from acute depression and welcome being put out of my misery. Another explanation could be I’ve read too many holy books over the years that encourage me the idea of embracing and look forward to death and not be scared of it. Or I think the nature of my conversion and why I became so religious in the first place from being a thug could be the reason.

When you know it’s real, what is there to be scared of? When it comes to death most of us are scared of it because we fear the unknown. However, I’m a firm believer that it’s the loss of the known we fear losing. How can you fear what you don’t know?

Whatever the case may be, while the devil has certainly been trying to get me these past few weeks, the Lord has decided it’s not my time. The woman does not know what it is that drives her ignorance, but I do. However, you can’t say that to people, they’ll just think your crazy. This world and the next one should never be discussed in that capacity to individuals detached from spirituality (sadly this includes some priests). I only ever discuss that kind of level of spirituality with people who get it, otherwise, there’s no point.

I’m still alive for now, but to tell you the truth, lately, I’ve been feeling dead inside. Please pray for me.

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